The ABCs of Sladin
by TheMsMeep
Summary: More short stories featuring our favorite couple, this time in alphabetical order.
1. A is for Aneurysm

Slade stared, eye narrowed, searching for any signs of weakness in his opponent. He was growing frustrated with this battle, and he intended to end it soon. At the first sign of fragility, he would attack.

Robin kept up his façade of nonchalance, radiating a sense of ease he didn't feel. This had to end soon. He couldn't keep it up much longer. But he was damned if he was going to lose to Slade again.

The silence was deafening as they faced each other. Robin moved first, a quick motion Slade almost didn't catch. He remained motionless as Robin's hand shot out- and grabbed a spoon.

"So, what are your plans for the day?" Robin asked as he calmly opened a cup of yogurt. "Anything big?"

Across the table, Slade glowered as he replied "You know _exactly_ what my plans are. Taunting me is not very mannerly, Robin. Especially considering your recent decision."

Robin had, out of nowhere, deserted his bed. The boy claimed he simply couldn't sleep with an assassin who was willing to kill the innocent as well as the guilty. Until Slade changed his ways, he was sleeping alone.

Slade had been confident, at first, that it would be easily resolved. Those teenage hormones would kick in and Robin would come to him begging for sex, without him having to cancel his current job- killing some insipid visiting politician as he gave a speech.

That was four days ago, and Slade was now a ticking time bomb.

Robin had rebuffed his every advance, fleeing hastily from any attempt at seduction. And although he completely refused to do anything more than kiss –and barely even that- Robin still paraded around in articles of clothing hardly larger than handkerchiefs.

He almost seemed to delight in flaunting himself, frustrating Slade to no end. Right now, for example, he was wearing no shirt and tiny shorts as he . . . O_h merciful god_. Slade's thought processes stuttered to a halt as he focused on what Robin was doing. He wasn't entirely sure what to call that, but "molestation of yogurt" was probably pretty close.

Robin's tongue was flicking lightly across the tip of the spoon, tasting the creamy white substance gathered there. He didn't merely consume the yogurt- he caressed it, sweeping his tongue across the quivering mouthful. He licked slowly, drawing each morsel into his mouth as though it were the most delicious thing on earth, his face expressing ecstasy previously unknown to eaters of yogurt.

A drop fell from the spoon, landing lightly on Robin's naked chest. As he reached for it, he accidently brushed one pink nipple, causing it to harden. He gathered the wayward drop onto his finger, then drew it into his mouth, sucking gently before releasing it.

Slade had a sudden revelation as he watched Robin: The boy was going to give him an aneurysm. The fact that those wanton lips and that soft, caressing tongue were being wasted on a humble spoon was slowly driving him insane.

Robin fought the urge to blush as he did everything but make love to his breakfast. He knew it was ridiculously cheesy, and completely obvious, but he kind of thought it was working. Slade did look awfully tense about something. Deciding to push it just a bit further, Robin stood up.

"I'm going to get some milk. Want any?" His voice held the barest hint of suggestion, and he put a little extra sway in his hips as he walked across the room to the refrigerator.

Slade was on him in an instant, erection pressing against the curve of Robin's ass as he grabbed the boy from behind. "_Robin._" He moaned as he felt his young lover melt against him. He reached for the clasp of those infuriating shorts, needing Robin naked and gasping beneath him _right now_- only to have his hand swatted away as Robin slipped out of his embrace.

Robin turned towards him, breathing heavily, his own desire outlined by the tight shorts. His face was flushed with arousal, but his expression was resolute as he looked at Slade. "No. Not until you can agree not to kill people." He turned and continued calmly to the fridge, grabbing the milk and returning to the table with it.

Slade glanced at his own abandoned breakfast, then at Robin, who was once more dipping his spoon into the yogurt. Without a word, he fled.

Robin was rather worried by Slade's sudden departure from the breakfast table. He knew he was being hard on the man, and wondered if Slade had finally gotten angry. Maybe he should go check . . . ?

The sound of a polite cough behind him alerted him to Slade's return. Robin was surprised to find a disgruntled looking Slade thrusting a writing-covered piece of paper into his hands, along with a blue pen.

"Here. You win."

"I . . . what?" It wasn't the most intelligent of questions, but Robin was genuinely confused. He'd won a piece of paper?

Slade sighed. "It's a contract. It states that I will not murder anyone who is not evil or at the very least criminal, except in your defense or my own. In return, you will not withhold sex in an attempt to modify my behavior. Is that satisfactory?"

Robin glanced at the paper. "That's a lot of writing, considering it says so little."

"I wrote it in legal language. I don't trust you to ignore loopholes, should I be foolish enough to leave any."

"I should really read this first . . ."

"Robin," Slade's voice was a sultry purr. "The more time you waste reading, the less time we have to make up for the past few days. Don't you trust me?"

Robin looked doubtful.

"As you wish." Slade allowed a note of wistful longing to enter his voice. "Take your time then. I'll be in the bedroom." He smirked as he left. If he knew his bird at all . . .

Robin scanned the paper after Slade left, complicated phrases scrawling across the page before him. "Slade Wilson, hereafter referred to as Party A, hereby proposes to enter into an agreement with Richard Grayson, hereafter Party B, for the cessation of attacks with fatal intent upon . . ."

Robin was already nodding off. Deciding to trust that Slade had written the contract fairly, he signed his name and raced towards the bedroom.

Slade smiled as he heard Robin coming. The boy couldn't possibly have read the entire contract that quickly- meaning he had no idea what he had just agreed to. Slade very much looked forward to showing him.


	2. B is for Banana

A/N: I apologize for the brain-skipping moment wherein I didn't put the title in the last story. It was supposed to be "A is for Aneurysm"- because we all know it's only a matter of time before Robin gives Slade some kind of medical condition. It was also supposed to be a mysteriously ending one-shot, but because I lacked clarity, everyone expects me to finish it.

Thus I make this promise: Someday, when you least expect it, a new chapter will pop up. It will not be an ordinary chapter, oh no. It will be *dramatic music* the sequel to that one! And yes, it will feature a word/letter in the correct order. In the meanwhile, please enjoy:

* * *

**B is for Banana**

Slade was getting on his own last nerve. A thousand times he swore he wouldn't return, and a thousand more he cursed the cruel circumstances that had brought him to this.

Then he went back.

He couldn't help himself. All his hard-earned self-control was reduced to dust by the picture a discreetly placed camera was currently sending him. It was killing him to watch, but he just couldn't stop. Abandoning any pretense of discipline he sat in front of the screen, fascination mingling with jealousy, lust, and just the tiniest bit of amusement.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Robin was getting just a wee bit irritated as he traipsed around the carnival. Cyborg and Beast Boy had been sniggering non-stop for the past fifteen minutes, and even the normally stoic Raven was hiding a small grin. Random passersby- complete freaking strangers! - were staring, pointing, and in some cases cracking up.

And nobody would tell him _why_.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Raven usually hated carnivals. The shrieking kids, flashing lights, and pervading smell of greasy food on sticks irritated her to no end. For once in her life, however, she was glad to have come.

She felt a little bit bad for Robin. It was clear he was completely clueless about what was going on, and growing more irritated by the minute. But watching him sport that sullen look as he drew stares, completely unaware of the spectacle he was making, was bringing her as close to laughter as she ever came. She owed it to Robin to tell him what was so amusing.

Eventually.

* * *

Cyborg was cracking up. He just couldn't help it. Seeing the fearless leader make a fool himself- at the city carnival, no less! - was making his day. And the fact that Robin was completely missing the joke only made it sweeter. He nudged BB and they both snickered. They were going to tease him about this for years to come.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Starfire looked around with wide eyes, delight singing through her heart like a snorgblat in mating season. These human festivals were so exciting! She had already experienced the riding of the rides, and the watching of the parade. She was eager to try the strange new earth foods presented here, even though some of them looked like morflark bladders. Cyborg had assured her they would be delicious. And there was mustard!

Another round of laughter erupted from Beast Boy and Cyborg, and she smiled widely. Her friends were so joyful! Even Raven was smiling for once. She only wished that Robin would join in the cheer.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Beast Boy glanced at Robin out of the corner of his eye, fighting the urge to make one of the billion jokes running through his head. Dude, this was just too hilarious! Another joke bubbled up, but he clamped a hand over his mouth and firmly held it in. Clueing Robin in would only ruin the fun.

Deep down, though, he kinda wished it had been a green popsicle.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Robin decided to ignore the stares and just enjoy his banana. The thing was delicious! It was mounted on a stick, frozen, and covered in white chocolate. This made it –in Robin's opinion- the ultimate fair food.

It was also huge, and very, very cold. It was still frozen too hard to bite, so he settled for sucking the chocolate from the end until the banana thawed. God this thing was good! It almost made up for all the people laughing at him.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Observing through the camera, Slade watched hungrily as Robin licked the long, pale shaft.

He told himself, for the thousandth time, to return to work. There was no purpose in watching the boy lick a chocolate-covered banana, no matter how much it looked like- Slade sighed and stood, resolving to resume work at once. After all, he had an objective of extreme importance now.

"Note to self," Slade growled as he switched off the screen "When I rule the world, vaporize all bananas."

* * *

A/N: That's right, bananas. Slade doesn't solve problems- he terminates them!

Btw, does anyone know what I borrowed the (slightly changed) last line from? First one to guess right gets a frozen chocolate dipped banana on a stick!


	3. C is for Cacophony

A/N: Give a big hand to **GothicYolita**, who correctly guessed that the quote in the last chapter was based on Xiaolin Showdown character Jack Spicer's classic line "Note to self: When I rule the world, vaporize all mimes."

Warning: Sentimentality ahead.

I would also like to mention that my beloved is an angel, who not only doesn't care that I'm writing gay smut, but is actually going to beta for me. Although he did talk me out of naming our firstborn Slade. J

* * *

**C is for Cacophony**

*_**bang**_*

"That doesn't sound good."

*_**wham**_*

"Dude, I thought Robin was sick. Why is he training?"

"I don't know, but we missed Ninja Aliens 3 to bring his sick butt some pizza. He better have a good explanation."

*****_**whump**_*****_**boom**_*****_**thud**_*****

"Friends, what is making that cacophony?"

Cyborg and Beast Boy turned to stare at Starfire as she floated worriedly up the hallway.

"What's a caca . . . coco . . . whatever?" Beast Boy wondered aloud.

"Cacophony- a loud, discordant noise, kind of like the ones Robin is making right now." Raven's dry voice was loud in the sudden silence. "Starfire decided to improve her English by reading the dictionary."

Starfire nodded enthusiastically. "Yes! I will now be using a plethora of common neologisms!"

In one movement, BB and Cy turned to look at Raven. "She'll be using all kinds of new slang now," Raven translated. "I suggest you both invest in a thesaurus."

"What does this have to do with dinosaurs?" Beast Boy asked.

Before any of them could answer, the training room doors opened. They turned as one to berate their leader- and froze in shock.

A naked and very sweaty Robin had his legs wrapped around the waist of an equally naked man, who was kissing him passionately as he carried Robin through the door.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _

Slade didn't even pause as he strode past the stunned teenagers, taking advantage of their shock to make it down the hall and around a corner before any of them could speak. The cat was out of the bag, and it would be better if the rest of the team had time to cool off before confronting Robin.

More importantly, he had a naked and very eager bird in his arms. He wasn't about to lose the opportunity because a few Titan sensibilities had been rattled.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Robin barely registered the sensation of movement as Slade carried him to the bedroom. His eyes were closed and he was lost in the feeling of Slade's lips on his.

He thought of his team and felt a momentary pang of guilt for bailing out on Team Movie Day. But he'd been dying for some alone time with Slade . . . Robin moaned in sheer bliss as Slade dropped him onto the bed and started doing something sinful with his tongue. In his last few moments of coherency, he decided it was okay.

What his friends didn't know wouldn't hurt them.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _

"Dude! Was Robin about to . . . with that guy . . . that guy was really old!" Beast Boy spluttered, somehow looking greener than usual.

"Man, that was-"

"None of our business." Raven interjected firmly. Starfire was still staring, open-mouthed, in the direction the man carrying Robin had taken.

"I was gonna say 'a group hallucination', but that works too." Cyborg looked around "So . . . who wants to go back to the mall?"

Team Movie Day was totally back on.


	4. D is for Destiny

D is for Destiny

Robin dragged himself backwards across the rain-washed roof, elbows stinging as they scraped against the harsh surface. Terror pounded him along with the rain as he pulled himself away from the edge, searching the skyline for the hulking figure that had stood there a moment ago.

He found only rain, lashing down from the sky.

He collapsed onto his back, weak with relief, as he realized what he had done. Slade was gone. There was no way anyone, even Slade, could survive a fall like that. Still giddy with the sudden alleviation of fear, Robin sat up and reached trembling hands behind him to steady himself.

One palm landed on something smooth and curved. He paused for a moment, then scrambled away as realization hit.

Slade's booted foot slammed into him, sending him rolling across the roof. That calm, cold voice sounded clearly over the driving rain as Slade strode after him.

"Did you think you could get rid of me that easily?"

Strong hands reached for him, fingers wrapping around his neck as he was hauled upright. Robin struggled weakly, but he was already bruised and torn, and those fingers were tightening slowly, choking the life from his gasping throat.

As the rain-soaked twilight around him began to spiral in dizzying corkscrews, Slade's voice crashed against him, carried on a rising tide of darkness.

"You can't escape me, Robin. You're mine." The grip around his throat tightened, and Slade's voice echoed through his dying mind like thunder.

"**I am your destiny**."

Robin sprang awake with a shudder, adrenaline and fear racing through him. The dream had come again, different in details but always the same in theme.

"Nightmares again, Robin?"

The voice came from directly beside him, and he slammed down hard on the urge to jump away. Instead, he rolled over and wrapped his arms around his bedmate, snuggling against him lovingly.

"Yeah."

"The same dream again?"

"Just like always. Someone was trying to take me away from you."

What he wouldn't tell him, couldn't tell him, was that every night he dreamed of murder. Slade had killed him a thousand times and a thousand ways in his dreams, each time whispering words of ownership as Robin's life slipped away.

Even worse were the nights he turned the tables. Then he dreamed of Slade's blood dripping down his hands, Slade screaming as Robin tore him apart.

And then he laughed.

He laughed over his adversary's body, face lifted triumphantly to the sky as the rising sun flooded the heavens with crimson.

Robin shivered, then forced himself to relax as his lover shifted, pulling him closer.

"Don't worry," he whispered, stroking Robin's hair. "I won't let anyone else have you. You're mine."

Slade kissed him gently, lips soft against his forehead.

"After all Robin, we're destined for each other."


	5. E is for Edward

Warning: Longest author's note ever, with a crack fic at the end.

A/N: Sorry I haven't posted much lately; I haven't been slacking off, I swear! My brain just sort of got commandeered and now I'm all busy . . . here, watch for yourself.

***begin flashback***

Slade stands casually on squishy pink brain tissue as the author sits at her desk, fingers flying over the keyboard of a laptop. "I need to talk to you," he begins cautiously, knowing how feisty she can get when she's 'working'.

Sure enough, she cuts him off. "Wait just a sec; I need to get this down before I forget it. Just a few more sentences . . . maybe a couple paragraphs. . ."

He considers breaking the desk, but then she would probably put him in a tutu or something equally ridiculous. He sighs and waits.

She stops typing and looks up. "What do you need? If this is about getting you drunk, I still refuse to apologize-"

"No, I'm not here to complain. Robin and I are going on vacation. We'll check in now and again, but you're on your own."

"What? You're leaving me? _Why?!_"

"Because to date you've given Robin a piercing, teased me to the brink of insanity, killed us both quite horribly, and you're seriously considered using flamingos to- "

Suddenly Robin storms in, carrying a large blue portmanteau.

"Slade! There are _no clothes_ in this suitcase! It's just full of lube!"

Slade raised one eyebrow. "And your point is?"

"What are we going to wear while we're on- oh. Oh!"

"Exactly."

They grin at each other and leave through a convenient door in the author's skull. She sinks to the floor, sobbing, cradling her head in her arms.

The door opens again. A pale red-head enters and stands over her, casually eating a banana, as she cries obliviously. After finishing it and tossing the peel away, he breaks the silence.

"So . . . whatcha doin?"

She looks up and glares up at him. "I'm crying my eyes out, that's what-" Her expression changes to shock. "Jack Spicer? What the hell are you doing here?"

"I accidently set off Chase's volcano, so I was wondering- can we stay with you for awhile?" He gives her a puppy dog look, tears trembling in his deep red eyes.

Her eyes widen, taking on a definite fangirl heart shape. "Chase Young is coming? Here? _To stay_?!"

"Yup. He's trying to rescue his favorite slippers from the lava right now. So you'll let us crash here?"

She rubs her hands together, smiling evilly. "Of course I will, dear. Of course I will."

***end flashback***

See? Sladin left and Chack took over. Blame them, not me. That being said, enjoy this crack fic. _________________________________________________________________________________

**E is for Edward**

Robin felt mildly perplexed as he wandered the dark halls of Slade's lair, ear pricked for the sound of approaching footsteps. Usually the man was waiting for him, ready to pounce as soon as he walked in the door. Today, however, he was nowhere to be found.

Robin crept silently along, afraid that this might be one of Slade's tests. Occasionally, much to Robin's annoyance, Slade would decide to test his abilities and stage an elaborate ambush. Usually Robin passed with flying colors, but after one particularly embarrassing incident featuring copious amounts of banana pudding, he'd resolved to never be taken by surprise again.

There! A sliver of flickering light crept out from beneath a door. He moved slowly towards it, aware that it could be the bait for a trap. Nothing stirred as he approached; through the door he could hear faint voices conversing, although he couldn't tell what they were saying.

Deciding to take a chance, Robin opened the door.

Wintergreen looked up from his place on the couch, hand halfway to his mouth with a clump of popcorn. Robin relaxed at once. Wintergreen had firmly refused to help Slade with any of his "silly stunts", insisting that Robin needed to know that somebody around here wasn't going to ambush him.

It hadn't stopped Slade, but it had dampened his enthusiasm a bit, for which Robin was eternally grateful.

Robin walked casually into the room. "Have you seen Slade? I can't find him anywhere, and I'm afraid he's going to surprise me again."

Wintergreen shook his head, munching a bit of popcorn. "I'm afraid not, Robin. I haven't seen him recently, and there's really no telling with him. I'm sorry."

"That's okay. I'll just go look in the- hey, wait a minute. What are you watching?" On the television screen, a group of rather pale men and women prepared to play baseball, lightning flickering across the sky above them. Robin looked at Wintergreen, nonplussed. "You're watching Twilight?"

"Of course." Wintergreen answered as if it were the most common sense thing in the world. "Would you like to join me? It's almost to my favorite part."

"I think I'm good, thanks."

He watched, bemused, as Wintergreen turned his attention back to the screen. Who would have thought the right-hand man of the most dangerous villain in the world would be a Twilight fan? It was kind of sweet, in a hilarious way.

Onscreen, Edward moved to defend Bella as a new vampire bared his fangs at her, and the sight stirred something in Robin's mind.

Suddenly he was hit by a very disturbing thought.

_ _ _ _ _ _

"Oh my god."

Wintergreen glanced at the boy beside him, startled. Robin was staring at the screen with the slack-jawed wonder of someone having an epiphany.

"You know what I just realized?"

"What might that be?" he asked cautiously. Robin was the only person he'd ever met who could be stranger than Slade sometimes.

"I'm dating Edward."

"I beg your pardon?" Yes, definitely stranger than Slade.

"Look." Robin gestured towards the screen. "Edward is handsome, immortal, unbelievably strong, overprotective, and a total stalker with anger issues, yet everyone still loves him."

"And your point is?" He was starting to get really worried about Robin's sanity now.

"My point is, all of that applies to Slade. He's definitely gorgeous, practically immortal, and don't get me started on the way he used to stalk me."

"Robin," Wintergreen said gently, "I think you're reading a little bit too much into some minor similarities. Slade really has very little in common with a teenage movie vampire."

"Yeah, you're right." Robin looked sheepish. "I'm gonna go find Slade now. Have fun watching the movie."

He left, shutting the door behind him, and continued down the hall.

Wintergreen shook his head, chuckling gently. "He thinks he's dating Edward! Can you believe that?"

Slade emerged from behind the chair where he'd been hiding, box of tissues in hand.

"Don't laugh. That's actually rather worrisome. Does Robin know me at all?"

"Don't worry." Wintergreen patted him on the shoulder comfortingly as Slade settled back into his spot on the couch. "It's obvious to everyone else that you're much more like Jacob."

"I should hope so," Slade grumbled. "Now stop monopolizing the popcorn."

Wintergreen dutifully handed him the bowl, and they turned as one to the screen.


	6. F is for Friends

A/N: Umm . . . hello there, everybody. I know I haven't been around in awhile; I've been all taken up writing my lovely Chack fic. But today Chase threatened to kick my ass unless I gave him a break, and Jack pointed out that I was running out of synonyms for 'pale'. So I went out for a snack break, and when I returned, Slade and Robin were making out on my desk.

I took the hint.

So you're happy to see me again, right? You're chuffed that I'm bringing you a nice, quality story of Sladin joy?

Well too bad, cause this is more pure crack idiocy. *runs away before you can hit her*

**F is for Friends**

Robin had always had a love/ hate relationship with civilian clothes.

On the one hand, it was kind of nice to be inconspicuous for a change. No one was staring at him, no kids were asking for his autograph, and no villains were attempting to kill him.

Not yet, anyway.

The bad thing about dressing like a normal citizen was the lack of places to put weapons. He felt exposed and nervous without his gear, but anything he carried would attract that much more attention. Although he had a few pockets, they weren't big enough to hold much besides his wallet and communicator.

Speaking of which, he felt it vibrating. He flipped it open to see a few words flash across the screen, the Titan's version of a text message. _Titans East visiting. Gone out shopping, back in two hours. Hope to see you then._ Robin snapped it shut, cursing mentally. As if today wasn't stressful enough, he now had a time limit and twice the usual number of heroes in town.

The thought only increased his feeling of vulnerability. Robin stopped and surveyed his reflection in a shop window, telling himself for the thousandth time that he was highly unlikely to be recognized.

A boy with smooth dark hair stared back at him. He wore a tight red t-shirt and dark blue jeans, common enough clothes for a guy his age. Huge black sunglasses covered his eyes, and the ID in his pocket read James Reese. There was nothing about the look to betray either of his identities. And yet-

Robin jumped as another face appeared behind his reflection. A grinning girl in too-bright lipstick pressed her mouth against the window, leaving a red smear on the glass. He couldn't hear her, but he could read her lips as she said "Quit staring and come on in, big boy."

Robin hastily shook his head and turned away, all but running down the street in his haste to escape. _Way to remain inconspicuous,_ he told himself sarcastically.

Distracting himself from his embarrassment, he focused on his mission. He and Slade had been secretly seeing each other for a year as of today. Although Slade probably hadn't even noticed the occasion, Robin wanted to do something special.

After much thought, he'd decided to buy a gift. Making a fuss if Slade didn't care would be embarrassing, but acting like it didn't matter if he _did_ care would be worse. A present was the perfectly balanced solution.

And of course, it being for Slade, not just any gift would do. It had to be a very special kind of gift. Which meant Robin had to go to a very special type of store. The type of store that the leader of the Teen Titans could _not_ be seen going into.

A naughty store.

Robin looked up. As he'd pondered, his feet had carried him to his destination. Pascal's Emporium, as the sign read, was larger than he expected and considerably more ominous looking. The usual plate glass windows that most stores sported were conspicuously absent, and a small sign on the door informed all comers that they must be at least 18 to enter.

Damn Slade and Cyborg both, with their obsessive need to monitor computer activity! He could have just done this on the Internet, but no, he wanted to surprise Slade, and there was no way he'd be able to explain this kind of purchase to Cy.

He took a deep breath. He could do this. He _would_ do this. For Slade!

And for the hot sex that would be sure to follow.

After presenting his ID at the door- and getting a knowing smirk for his large sunglasses- Robin stepped into the store and immediately turned bright red.

The shop was divided into square rooms connected by curtained hallways, effectively separating each section. Robin couldn't see into the next room, but he sincerely hoped it was nothing like this one.

Frilly panties and leather bustiers lined the walls and hung from countless racks. Metal bras shared space with French maid costumes and wisps of fabric that Robin couldn't name. Worse still was the table in the middle of the room, holding animal print underthings with a hole in a very distinctive place.

Robin stared at them in horror. Didn't that defeat the _whole purpose_ of underwear? Trying hard not to spontaneously combust, he hurried through the curtain and along a short beige hallway.

As he brushed past another curtain and into the second room, Robin's first thought was that this was much better. Shelves full of non-threatening bottles and boxes lined the walls and stood in orderly rows throughout the room. It looked like a bookstore really, except instead of books there were - wait.

Did that innocent looking plastic tube really say . . . ok, that was just scary. And that box beside it- hmm. Some of that might actually come in handy sometime. Robin made a mental note to grab a box on his way out before moving deeper into the store. He had to find something truly sexy, and he only had two hours.

He hastened through the next hallway, then grinned widely as he entered the third room. Now _this_ looked like the place to find the perfect gift. Whips, paddles, and handcuffs hung from pegs on one wall. Another held collars and coiled leashes of different sizes and colors, mingled with multi-purpose restraints made of every variety of fabric and metal imaginable.

As Robin looked closely at the merchandise, however, he was disappointed. Beginners' bondage kits? "Safety snap" handcuffs? None of this was intense enough to interest Slade! With a sigh, Robin pushed aside the curtain leading to the next hallway. This was going to be harder than he'd thought.

Floor-to-ceiling bookshelves filled the next room, reinforcing the feeling of being in a Barnes & Noble gone wrong; that, or a really naughty library.

From behind the shelf Robin heard two men talking. Not wanting to intrude, he started to turn back, but stopped as he processed the contents of the conversation.

They were discussing him and Slade.

". . . the worst-kept secret in town that bird brain is doing the one-eyed wonder. He must have something pretty special underneath that armor to make _Robin_ veer off the straight and narrow, right? And if he likes screwing heroes, I might as well cash in on the action."

Robin's face burned with anger and shame. He and Slade had been extremely secretive about their relationship. How had they found out? And more importantly, _who_ had found out? Something about the voice sounded very familiar. Where had he heard that cocky tone before?

"I really don't think this is an appropriate place to discuss it. There's no point in trying to be discreet about our shopping if we gossip while we're here."

This voice was softer, more articulate, but it also tickled Robin's memory.

"Don't be so paranoid, baby. We're a long way from home. And anyway, this is a porn shop. Anyone who hears will just think we're discussing our kinks."

"Even so- "

"And besides, don't tell me you're not curious. If iron face has anything worthwhile under that Halloween costume, we can have a threesome."

Robin was more than a little pissed off at this point, but he knew the value of information. He remained silent and crouched low, peering around the corner in an effort to see the speakers.

Their backs were towards him as they surveyed a shelf labeled "Edible." The quiet one had ink-black hair pulled back into a ponytail and a light blue shirt over black pants. He tapped his fingers impatiently on his leg, clearly wanting to be gone.

His more enthusiastic counterpart had short red hair and a yellow muscle shirt that showed off his toned arms. He was bent down, rifling through a group of brightly colored bottles.

"Hey, if I can find some strawberry-mango flavor, you want to-"

"No. And for your information I have no desire to sleep with a criminal. Even if it's true, have you thought about how our friend would feel if you stole his boyfriend? That's not exactly honorable."

Robin realized who they were even as Speedy stood up, waving a hand dismissively at Aqualad.

"I don't want to steal him exactly, just borrow him for a bit. Maybe Robin will join in- he's not too bad looking, if you un-spike his hair."

Robin had had enough. He straightened and walked around the shelf into full view, voice cold as he addressed Speedy.

"You're assuming that I- or anyone else- would want to fuck you."

Speedy and Aqualad spun around. Robin noted with surprise that the usually masked Speedy hadn't bothered to cover his face.

"Robin?" Speedy looked shocked for a moment, then approving as he took in Robin's outfit. "You know, you look almost as good out of uniform as I do." He grinned endearingly.

Robin didn't smile back. "I think you'd better go home now, Speedy."

"Hey, just because you can't take a compliment-"

"Let me make myself clear. You're my friend, and I don't want to hurt you, but if you don't leave Jump now, I will-"

Robin was interrupted by a loud WHAP as something large, purple, and made of rubber hit him square in the face.

"Speedy, that was very rude," Aqualad said reprovingly. "There's no call for that kind of-"

Yet another sentence died unfinished as Robin shoved past Aqualad, leaping for the grinning redhead with murder in his eyes and profanity on his lips.

Slade had spent most of the day quietly planning an intimate evening with his bird. It was unlikely Robin had been keeping track, but they had been lovers for twelve months. Considering their wildly different ideologies, remaining together that long was no mean feat, and Slade intended to celebrate.

There was a sudden beeping of alarms, and Slade moved quickly to check the monitors of the cameras around the perimeter.

A disheveled boy was headed for Slade's door at a dead run. His hair looked as though it had been styled by monkeys, and a large splash of something brown covered his shirt. He was also heavily coated with pink sparkles.

It took Slade a long moment to recognize Robin out of his costume and covered in muck, but he hastily let the boy in once he did. Robin scurried inside with an air of relief and none of his usual grace.

Slade, scrutinizing him hastily for any injuries, gave an inward sigh of relief when he found none.

"What happened?"

Robin blurted it all out in a rush "I was trying to get you an anniversary present, but Speedy was there, and he said you would fuck him, so I told him off, and he threw a penis, but I ducked, and-"

Slade placed a finger on his lips, silencing him. "Anniversary?"

Robin blushed and looked down. "Sort of. We've been . . . whatever it is we are for a year now. I wasn't going to make a big fuss; I just wanted to get you a present."

Slade nodded thoughtfully. _So Robin did notice_. "And Speedy?"

"From Titans East, the redhead. He was in the store I went to, shopping with Aqualad. He knows about us, and he was talking about how he wanted to try you out. Like you were a toy or something!"

Robin looked genuinely distraught, and Slade found it both amusing and oddly touching. No one had ever defended his honor before, probably because he could do such a good job on his own when he chose. Still, it was rather sweet of the boy.

Something else Robin had said struck him, and he queried "He threw a penis at you?"

"Yes. A fake one, obviously, but a penis."

"Just what kind of store were you in?"

Robin's answering blush gave him all the information he needed.

"I see. You dodged it?"

"Yeah. But I tried to tackle him, and he grabbed another one. Then we. . . umm . . . we kind of had a swordfight. With the . . . penises."

"Of course. Were you harmed at all?"

Robin looked at him suspiciously, suspecting that he was being mocked, but Slade maintained an expression of complete sincerity.

"No. They were the jelly kind, so he couldn't do any real damage. We just flailed at each other with them. I knocked his out of his hand pretty quickly. But then he started throwing things."

Robin gestured at himself miserably.

"I managed to dodge the fruit-flavored massage oils, but he got me with chocolate body paint and a tub of sugar sparkles. Aqualad took a box of edible underwear to the head; he was trying to break us apart, and Speedy accidently hit him instead of me."

"Ah. And how did you end this fight?"

"I ran back to the bondage toys area and grabbed some ropes. When he came running after me I drop-kicked him, then tied him up. I was seriously considering handcuffing his ankles to his wrists and throwing away the key, but Aqualad came running from one direction and the store manager from the other, demanding to know what was going on."

Robin paused, but Slade did not comment, merely looked back with an expression of polite interest.

"I told him that Speedy had been making unwanted advances and when I told him to buzz off, he became violent, throwing merchandise and forcing me to tie him up."

Slade was pleasantly surprised. "The noble Robin, lying?"

"It had elements of truth! And I wasn't in the mood to do him any favors. I did tell them that Aqualad was an innocent bystander. The manager bought it, complimented me on my skills, and told me to wait there while he called the police."

"And when he left?"

"I ran like hell."

Slade couldn't hold back anymore.

Robin looked up in alarm as Slade made a choking noise. Then he realized the man was laughing so hard his whole body shook, rocking ever so slightly back and forth he struggled to hold in his guffaws.

This scared Robin even more than the thought that Slade was choking.

"So . . . you're not mad that I came here, like this?"

"You tied up the Green Arrow's sidekick up with bondage rope, turned him over to the police, ran from said police, and then showed up covered in chocolate and sugar. No, I am most certainly not angry at you."

Still chuckling, Slade stood up.

"Now follow me."

"Where are we going?"

"The dining room. The dinner I prepared isn't quite ready yet, but I think we should start with the dessert you so kindly provided."

Robin looked down at his chocolate-spattered, sugar-sprinkled self.

"You mean. . ."

"Yes."

"On the table?"

"Exactly. Happy anniversary Robin."

A/N: Yay! You read all the way to the end! *gives you a choco biscuit*

Now, if you want to see something really nice, go to DeviantArt and look up The Joy of Junkfood. Wynja (!) drew it after reading B is for Banana. Is that awesome or what? I'ma go sleep off the work week now chiles. Love ya, bye.


	7. I is for Inebriated

A/N: So, I decided today that just because I'm writing a story for every letter in the alphabet, that doesn't mean I have to release them in order. Mainly because this story looks so sad, sitting all lonely in my Documents folder, and I have no patience. : )

**I is for Inebriated**

The shadowy figure leaped from building to building with astonishing grace, making dangerous leaps with astounding ease. He moved freely, for once not in the least worried about being seen. Abruptly he sprang into the air, feet and fists fiercely pummeling the sky, simply because he could. He landed on a gritty rooftop, stumbling slightly before he steadied himself.

Normally his misstep would have worried him, but right now he was too damn happy to care. He spun and kicked, lashing out at nothing, glorying in the effortless way his body moved. On a sudden whim, he leaped into the shadows and disappeared. A cheshire grin spread across his face as he stared out at the night-darkened city.

Even drunk off his ass, he was _still _totally awesome.

Leaving the shadows, he walked confidently along the building's edge, ignoring the stares and gasps from people on the crowded street below. The bright lights lining the thoroughfare and the lively music drifting from clubs and bars echoed his mood, lifting it even further.

_I really should do this more often_, he mused, running his hand idly along a neon sign perched on the rooftop beside him. Lately he spent all his time training, fighting, or strategizing. Even when he did have time for fun, there was always some niggling part of him that insisted he had better things to do. Luckily, alcohol was very effective at shutting down those parts.

A sliver of melody drifted up to him on the warm night air, and he listened intently. Normally he would never have paid attention to a song like this, but tonight all the facets of his personality that he kept safely locked away were coming out.

_I dream of you every night  
Feels like I'm losing my mind  
This feeling's just getting stronger  
My head is spinning around  
You play with me but I'm bound  
I can't resist any longer_

The music cut off abruptly as a door somewhere swung shut, but he was no longer listening. He flopped gracelessly down onto his butt, legs dangling over the edge as he sat. He wasn't sure what vengeful god of pop music had been trying to ruin his mood, but they had succeeded.

He sighed wistfully as he considered his secret infatuation. Of all the ridiculous people to lust after, he of course _had_ to pick his worst enemy, the person who hated him most in the world. It had started with mutual obsession, but somewhere in the midst of all the fighting, he had found the sharp flame of desire growing inside him.

And now here he was, moping on a rooftop like a sulky child, just because some inane song had voiced his thoughts. Surely he was better than this! Surely he could find something more productive to do than pity himself!

Suddenly he stood up, determination flooding him. He was going to confess his feelings, and damn the consequences!

And he was going to do it _right now_, before he sobered up.

_ _ _ _ _ _

William Randolph Wintergreen spent a very large amount of his time worrying about Slade. He worried when Slade was out fighting the Titans. He worried when Slade went on a murderous rampage.

He had never before had to worry about the man getting drunk.

Wintergreen sighed as he looked at the two very large, very empty wine bottles. He sincerely hoped that Slade, wherever he was, was staying out of trouble.

He also sincerely doubted it.

_ _ _ _ _ _

Robin woke fuzzily, disoriented by the feel of a large, warm body snuggled against him. It felt kind of nice, but his sleep-clouded brain couldn't tell him who exactly it was supposed to be, and that worried him.

He catapulted the rest of the way into wakefulness as an unknown hand cupped his ass.

"Don't worry," a voice whispered into his ear. "It's just me." The voice was deep, masculine, and smelt very strongly of fermented grapes.

"And who the hell are you?" Robin whispered back fiercely.

"I'm Slade. Why are we whispering?"

"Because you were- WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE SLADE?" Robin jumped out of bed and shot across the room, raising his arms in a defensive position as he spun around.

A very large, very naked man was sprawled across his bed in the near darkness. His body was strong and lithe, rippling with muscle, though his pure white hair looked like that of an old man. Robin blushed and fixed his gaze firmly on the stranger's face, noting his goatee and the eye patch that covered one eye.

"Oh, don't do that." The voice certainly sounded like Slade's, but Robin couldn't equate the words being said with Slade's usual psychopathic demeanor.

"I'm too drunk to fight. And anyway, I want to have to have sex with you. Might be too drunk for that too, though."

Robin's brain stuttered to a halt. There was no way on earth this could be- his eyes fell on a very familiar black-and-orange costume crumpled at the foot of his bed.

"You really are Slade, aren't you?"

"Yup. Slade Wilson, at your service. Now come here, little one. If I can't fuck you, I want to snuggle."

Robin's mind raced, even as his face turned beet red and his brain filed away the name Wilson. What the hell were you supposed to _do_ when your arch-nemesis showed up drunk and cuddly?

"Rooooobiiiiiin, I'm waaaaiting."

Looking at Slade's bare body stretched across his sheets, Robin suddenly had a very good idea.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _

Slade winced as he woke, groggy and disoriented. His head felt like every citizen of Jump had taken a turn whacking it with a sledgehammer. Through bleary eyes he peered at his surroundings, recognizing one of his old lairs. How had he gotten . . .? A folded piece of paper fluttered off his chest as he sat up stiffly. He looked down- and realized he was completely naked. He glanced frantically around the room before finding a neat pile of metal and cloth lying on the floor beside him.

What the hell had he done last night?!

He simply couldn't remember. Despair in his soul, he unfolded the paper, hoping it would hold some clues to his recent activities. After reading it once through, he groaned loudly.

This was not good.

He lurched to his feet, grabbing his armor as he did so. Clanking and cursing echoed through the room as a very unhappy Slade got dressed and stormed out, making sure to storm gently enough that his tender head remained relatively unhurt.

The white piece of paper lay innocently on the floor, cheery handwriting at odds with its message of doom.

Slade,

Thanks for everything. Last night was amazing, and I'll always treasure the memories we made, as well as the videotape. I trust you to keep your promises about toning down the crime- and you know as long as you do, I'll keep mine about the pictures. Love,

Robin


	8. Announcement

Rumor has it all naughty stories will be removed from . In case it's true, I'm letting you know I also have a DeviantArt under TheMsMeep where you can find all my stories.


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